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This article was co-written by Julia Yacoob, PhD. Julia Yacoob is a practicing clinical psychologist in New York City. She specializes in providing cognitive behavioral therapy to adults experiencing stress in their lives. Yacoob holds a master’s and a doctorate in clinical psychology from Rutgers University, has studied intensively at Weill Cornell Medical College, and trained at New York Church Hospital, Memorial Sloan Cancer Center- Kettering, Institute of Behavioral Therapy and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Women’s Mental Health League, the NYC Cognitive Behavior Therapy Association, and the Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy Association.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,289 times.
Working with an ex can be a difficult and messy situation. Breaking up is not easy even if you won’t see your partner often at work. However, you can deal with this situation and build a normal relationship with your ex. With candor and clear focus, you can even turn potential stress into motivation to better take care of yourself and serve your work-related goal.
Steps
Get over (and sustain) the breakup
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Set your priorities clearly. You should clearly define your intentions about prioritizing and staying motivated at work, even when your lover is always near you. [1] X Research Sources Considering your options, you should know that you have the power to make decisions and that you don’t have to be in the same company as your ex.
- Is this job easy to replace or just temporary? Several factors may indicate that working with an ex does more harm than good, leaving you feeling pain and chaos that isn’t worth the sacrifices you make for the job.
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Accept your residual feelings openly and honestly. When we try our best not to think about something, we can hardly stop thinking about it. This is known as the “white bear effect” and is the same for all temptations. [2] X Research Sources Therefore, you should not try to remove images of your ex from your mind when they suddenly appear. By doing so, you’re eliminating that “forbidden fruit” feeling that can distract from your work and keep you immersed in your old relationship. Also, allowing yourself to think about your partner will give you access to some thoughts that will help clarify your relationship (and make it easier to end it).
- The less you resist the fact that your ex is still present in your life, the better. Working together means you need to accept the person’s presence as well as the inevitable feeling you have to see them often. You should allow these feelings to fade naturally rather than forcing yourself to stop thinking about them. Trying to get rid of these thoughts will build up negative, moody aggression, and your feelings will come back heavier than ever at a time when you didn’t expect it.
- Just because you allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings about your ex does NOT mean you need to share them at work. You can keep a diary, and if you want to discuss your problem, you should talk to a friend or relative who doesn’t work with you.
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Focus on your own goals. Keep a journal, outlining your career goals. Start small, think about how to be more productive every day, slowly scale up to a goal for a month, and for the company, etc. [3] X Research Sources You Should Remember Include how your career goals can contribute to the things you want for yourself (like joy, physical health, stress free). By establishing this connection, you will find the connection between your career goals and great personal happiness. From there, you’ll be able to see your career goals differently, motivating yourself to spend more time at work that will help nurture the purpose.
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Seek help. [4] X Research Source Even if you and your ex still talk from time to time, make sure you do n’t call your ex in a moment of despair. Since that person is always around, you’ll want to give them a call to vent about a bad day or tell them exciting news about an accomplishment or new opportunity. But, you should only share these moments with someone with whom you have a deeper relationship.
- Continuing to allow your ex to take a place in your life will make you more attached to that person than is necessary in building a successful working relationship. This will make you feel as if you depend on the person’s presence, in the company or elsewhere. The trick is that you need to be able to deal with your ex, but still remember that they don’t serve you the same purpose as when you were in a relationship. Therefore, you should entrust this role (person to whom I can vent, friend who can help me with a technical problem my ex once solved) that will help you stay strong and healthy. support in times of stress or excitement.
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Focus on the present. Especially on difficult days, it’s easy to look at your ex and idealize how wonderful your time together was. No matter how much you’ve forgotten about your ex, our instincts are to look for the best possibility of receiving temporary comfort and hope. [5] X Research Resources Learning about mindfulness techniques will help you focus on the present moment and redirect your daydreams of your and your partner’s good past.
- Constantly remind yourself that things have changed between the two of you by focusing on what’s going on in your current interaction. Is the person giving a presentation in a meeting? Acknowledge that your attention is shifting from work to your ex’s beautiful eyes and old memories. Then, return to the task at hand without judging yourself for thinking aimlessly. You may want to work closely with a dedicated co-worker who will help you get back to being “highly focused” on the task at work.
Communicate effectively with your ex
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Clearly articulate boundaries at work. [6] X Research Resources You should use the first opportunity you have to state the situation at work and the role your former relationship played in it. You should chat in a place where no curious co-workers are present, and preferably outside the office. Let him or her know that you don’t want to bring bad things from the past to work. Remember to make a good impression, and mention how important a sincere relationship is to your work and happiness. If you make every effort to be polite and polite, starting with this conversation, your ex will behave the way you do. You should try to come to an agreement on:
- Communicate with colleagues.
- Join (or try to stay away from) working closely together to work on a certain project.
- Do not bring unhappy feelings to the workplace.
- Openly resolve issues outside of business hours, if any.
- However, the situation at work will require you to maintain flexibility when meeting your ex unexpectedly in the hallway. Some factors are completely within your control, like the boundaries between the two of you in your interactions at work, but you can’t control others. You won’t be able to control how often you see that person.
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Specify the distance you want. If you find you want to distance yourself from the intimacy you’ve been maintaining for a while, don’t hesitate. Give yourself the same respect you would any other person in a difficult situation. Although you may discuss keeping your distance from your ex, you are the one responsible for directing and acting as you please. This includes making your intentions clear to everyone involved. By communicating their desire to keep their distance, others will not be able to speculate and gossip about what is going on.
- For example, a coworker invites you out for a drink after work and you know that your ex was invited as well. Instead of taking this opportunity to let people know that you don’t want to be around the person for another second, you should kindly tell them that you want to go out because you need some space. Remind yourself that your social dislike won’t last forever.
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Pay attention to your own body language. [7] X Research Source Don’t know how to deal with your ex and co-workers? Your posture, attitude, and gestures in front of others will be the most obvious signs of discomfort or embarrassment. So, by paying attention to your body language, you can reflect how others see you and adjust accordingly.
- For example, you are discussing a work-related matter with your partner. You may find out that you don’t look them in the eye or that you start to move your arm. Both of these actions send signals that you are uncomfortable with the situation. At this point, you can “pretend” and adjust your body language to the comfort of yourself and the other person.
- If you’re aware that your body language frequently sends signals of anxiety or discomfort, you should spend more time re-examining your feelings. [8] X Research Sources Editing body language during interactions is a great way to get around it, but in the end it can lead you to a deeper problem that can be solved overtime work.
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Talk about the difference. Even if you and your ex have made it clear that you want to create a friendly work environment, problems can still arise that cause you to rekindle old frustrations. In this case, you can meet the person privately and let them know what you don’t like. Remember to only state how you feel instead of criticizing or judging the person. [9] X Rosenberg Research Source , Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Empathy. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Publishing, 1999. Depending on the scope and urgency of the matter, both of you should chat after hours or arrange to keep more space.
- Before communicating with each other, you should think carefully about whether this is a problem that you cannot solve on your own. The basic rule is to only discuss the issue when you want to present the request clearly and logically. [10] X Rosenberg Research Source , Marshall B. Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Empathy. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Publishing, 1999. If you want to ask your ex to respect your personal space and not walk into your office without warning, it means your need to keep your distance. you are not responding and you have the right to speak about it. If you can’t make a reasonable offer (which isn’t asking the person to “stop being such a jerk”), chances are you’re just trying to vent your bad feelings.
- If you decide to discuss an issue with your partner, be sure to be professional, intentional, and realistic about your role in the matter.
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Put an end to “bad play”. Is your ex trying her best to sabotage you at work, like spreading embarrassing information or hiding about certain deadlines? You should do the right thing and provide the opportunity to draw conclusions and clarify more about the nature of your relationship and breakup.
- You probably won’t like this, but identifying the root of the problem will let your ex know that there are plenty of ways to let them vent their resentments than treating you badly. Since the person who needs this is the person and not you, you should be willing to acknowledge elements that you don’t normally do. The goal here is to end the vandalism at work, not to express how deeply you feel.
- Discussing money issues at the company can be quite awkward. So, if the person starts talking to you (or is about to discuss) about a raise or bonus, don’t get involved by keeping quiet or acting like you’re not interested. this topic. You should avoid providing your partner with satisfaction in an attempt to “get over” you.
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Knowing when is enough. Another option for dealing with an extremely disgruntled ex is to meet with your boss privately where you can provide evidence of workplace harassment. You should keep in mind that while this option will allow you to continue your work, it may temporarily damage your reputation.
Maintain professionalism
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Separate work life and personal life. Working in the same office as your ex means that you also have to think hard about your other relationships within the company. [11] X Research Sources Hazan, Cindy, and Phillip R. Shaver. “Love and work: Perspectives accompanied by theory”. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 59.2 (1990): 270. If you want to flirt with another colleague, you should consider the chaos this action will bring to the current situation by adding jealousy and contempt for it.
- To assess whether your immediate actions are triggering excessive negativity between you and your ex, you should think about how you feel when you put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Wouldn’t you want to see your ex leave the company with a coworker they fell in love with? You should avoid doing the same thing given the sensitivity of the situation and longing for everything to go smoothly.
- What about riding the same elevator with your ex? Not every friendly conversation starts with your beautiful life outside of work. You should discuss work-related difficulties or joke about co-workers that you can both share.
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Do not bring emotions into the working relationship. If you and your ex are working on a project together, don’t evoke guilt or blame for everything that happened in your relationship. [12] X Source of Research Remember to be mindful of your own decisions and actions, and ask yourself whether the lingering feelings are helping to motivate you, or are you yourself? quality of work. You should imagine your career aspirations as your only desire, and make sure that every decision you make keeps you on track.
- For example, your ex is making coffee for everyone and bringing you coffee in exactly the way you like it. Just smile politely, thank them, and let them know you’re not looking for special treatment. While this is a kind gesture, you should avoid repeating the same old ways when you were together.
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Rely on colleagues. You should avoid relying too much on your ex, you should remember that there are many other people who can support you in your work. This doesn’t mean looking for someone to vent to every time you feel uncomfortable seeing that person. You should regularly meet someone with whom you can relate to something , and the more you separate yourself from that person, the better. Find someone who has the same sense of humor as you, or is better than you, and who has the same aspirations as you at work. Anyway, this is exactly what you need to do in your career pursuit.
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You should not involve your co-worker in residual distress. [13] X Research Source Misery attracts people, and letting them know you’re having trouble with your ex will turn the matter into “chatter” for co-workers to discuss. They might even split into factions, re-enacting old tragedies that don’t help the current situation. Some co-workers may feel cast aside or embarrassed by your situation and begin to distance themselves from you. It’s best not to reveal your privacy and only share it with support systems outside of your company. This way, you can prevent people from turning your life into an office drama.
- This doesn’t mean you need to keep your past secret, just that you should avoid making it an “open” topic. If you feel you need to talk about the fact that you once had a lover, be sure to make it clear that the relationship is over and that you don’t want to discuss the details. Let people know you want to be left alone and that this is not a topic of conversation.
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Stick to work-related topics. The best part about working with an ex is that you will be highly motivated to devote all your efforts to the job. If you find yourself slowly drowning in memories the two of you had or in every element that you miss about them, remind yourself to take time outside of work to address any issues. Which is constantly appearing in your mind. You don’t have to hold back from thinking about your partner, but you do need to make sure you spend another time acknowledging how you feel and appreciating the past.
- It’s best to stay away from sensitive topics. Because it can be difficult to know what triggers the various emotions surrounding a breakup, it’s a good idea to distance yourself from the sensitive subject. At least in the beginning, you should avoid discussing relationships, breakups, or experiences you both have had.
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Enhance your social life outside of work. [14] X Research Sources Adams, Gary A., Lynda A. King, and Daniel W. King. “Relationships in family work and participation, family support socially, and work-family conflict with job and life satisfaction”. Journal of Applied Psychology 81.4 (1996): 411. Any new stress arising from working in the same company as your ex may make you want to increase your engagement and build relationships outside. outside. Don’t hesitate to reconnect with a friend you don’t see often or make it a time to meet up at a pub. If you’re satisfied with your social life overall, you’re less likely to want to include it at work or see work as an opportunity to spend meaningful time with others.
Advice
- Please be patient. It takes longer than you think to change your feelings about someone you care about. You should pay attention to how your feelings change, and listen to people’s opinions on how to manage yourself at work.
X
This article was co-written by Julia Yacoob, PhD. Julia Yacoob is a practicing clinical psychologist in New York City. She specializes in providing cognitive behavioral therapy to adults experiencing stress in their lives. Yacoob holds a master’s and a doctorate in clinical psychology from Rutgers University, has studied intensively at Weill Cornell Medical College, and trained at New York Church Hospital, Memorial Sloan Cancer Center- Kettering, Institute of Behavioral Therapy and Bellevue Hospital Cancer Center. Yacoob is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Women’s Mental Health League, the NYC Cognitive Behavior Therapy Association, and the Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy Association.
There are 12 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 13,289 times.
Working with an ex can be a difficult and messy situation. Breaking up is not easy even if you won’t see your partner often at work. However, you can deal with this situation and build a normal relationship with your ex. With candor and clear focus, you can even turn potential stress into motivation to better take care of yourself and serve your work-related goal.
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