How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend When You Still Love Him

Ask why you want to break up with him. Breaking up with someone is hard work, and nothing is harder than when you still have feelings for him. However, sometimes relationships are disrupted, become distant and very difficult to maintain because of obstacles of time and geographical distance. You can love someone and still feel the need to move on to a new stage in life. If you’re considering a breakup, ask some questions about yourself and your current relationship. If you answered no to most of the questions below, it may be time to move on:

• Do you just want to break up because of current circumstances, like a recent argument or money problems? Or because of long-standing problems?
• Have you been wondering about breaking up or have been sure about this decision for a few weeks now?
• If your lover asked you for a second chance, would you agree?
• In the last 6 months have you met your lover? ^[1]

Write down a list of the reasons you want to break up. It’s certainly not easy, but if you can write down those reasons, you’ll be much more likely to convince yourself to get over it. Don’t worry about hurting others — this paper is yours and only for you. Brainstorm why you need to end things and consider the following reasons:

• You can’t give him the love he deserves. You need to move because of a new job, want to spend more time with your family, or can’t meet his needs. If you really love him but can’t/don’t want to be with him, it’s time to break up.
• You fell in love with someone else. Unfortunately, you cannot choose who you love. If you already have deep feelings for someone else, you need to end it all with your current man before moving on.
• You find yourself unable to spend the rest of your life with him. This is especially important if he seems to be planning a future with you. End things now instead of hoping you’ll change your mind — this won’t happen.
• You are not happy. If the sad times outweigh the happy times and that relationship weighs on your mind every day, it’s time to move on. This is not a temporary phase, but a relationship that has already begun to falter. ^[2]

Review these reasons a week later. Read over the reasons why you need to break up with your partner to see if they still hold true. Did you write down the reasons too hastily or still feel they make sense after a week. If you’re still sure about the decision to break up, it’s the right one.

Think of an independent lifestyle, not the temporary pain of a breakup. Many people try to stay in a relationship for too long because they fear the emotional pain caused by loneliness. You need to understand that life will get better later, but the immediate pain makes the breakup seem unbearable. However, sometimes you have to remove the bandage, and this will be easier if you tell yourself the following important things:

• You won’t be alone forever. Being alone doesn’t mean you’ll never find love again, even if you feel like there isn’t another “perfect” man left.
• Independence makes you stronger. Living alone is hard work, but it causes you to grow in unexpected ways and this is necessary in life. You don’t have to have him to be strong and happy. ^[3]

Remind yourself why you love him to make sure your decision is right. This is probably the hardest thing to do, especially when you’re determined to end the relationship, but you need to consider the good and the bad. Write down the reasons you love him, the reasons you became a couple, and the happy times together. Remember these memories will always stay with you no matter what happens between the two of you. If, after writing down all these memories, you still feel the need to end the relationship, then you can be sure it was the right decision.

• Remember, it’s best to break up with him even though you still have feelings for him. You just have to make sure that the bad side outweighs the good.

Prioritize your health and happiness. The final hurdle before a breakup is often worrying about other people. What will our friends think? What will my parents think? How will our case be resolved? Most importantly, how will he feel? However, all of these worries are insignificant when compared to your happiness and mental health. While this may sound selfish, it is ultimately the most mature view you should have. If your relationship doesn’t go well, you will only torment each other with arguments. Friends and family can be drawn in and your anxiety can turn into anxiety about keeping secrets. When you’re ready to end things, all that’s left is your decision to break up. Other minutiae will be resolved automatically. ^[4]

• Sometimes just a feeling of “This isn’t going anywhere” is a perfectly valid reason to break up. Remember that you are doing this for you, not for anyone else.

End things quickly when you have made a decision. If you don’t break up with him now and continue to delay, your situation may get worse in the future. You’ll regret not taking action when you could, and wasting both you and him time in the relationship in vain. You may be hurt now, but once you get over it, you’ll be happy for what you did. Once you get over that pain, both you and him can move on.

• Remember — it’s better to be happy alone than to suffer in a relationship. ^[5]