How to Get Your Ex Back

For the first month after a breakup, you shouldn’t contact your ex, and instead focus on yourself. Find out if they’re still interested in you, then meet them as friends. If all goes well, you can invite the person to chat with you directly. Apologize and discuss getting back together.

Table of Contents

Review the breakup

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Understanding the breakup. What did the two of you do to contribute to the breakup? Most relationship problems don’t arise out of the blue and are cumulative over time. Most likely this is not a one-way issue and there are already signs that it is coming. You should take a moment to consult your conscience before trying to win your ex back. You still have to make sure that you don’t waste your time or energy on nothing.

According to research, the leading cause of broken relationships is communication failure. ^{[1] X Source of Research} If your relationship is fairly happy, this problem is often corrected by setting clear expectations and openly discussing the frustration before it turns into a fight. Other issues can be quite difficult to overcome, like betrayal or jealousy; but with effort and advice, even this kind of problem can be solved.

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Recall who initiated the breakup. Is it you or not? If so, did you do it after careful thought or was it just out of a moment of anger and now you’re regretting it? Or is it because of your ex, and do they have a specific reason? Is this a joint decision of both?

You need to understand who is in control of the breakup and why it happened in the first place. If it’s because of you, and your ex is against the breakup, getting back together may be easier than it was if it was initiated by your ex in the first place.

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Describe your own feelings. In the pain and chaos of a breakup, it’s easy to confuse your feelings, and you may interpret feelings of loneliness and pain as proof that you need your partner back in your life. your life. In fact, at first, most people who have gone through a breakup will feel regret over the lost love, accompanied by feelings of anxiety, guilt, depression, and loneliness. In general, the more serious the relationship, the more intense these feelings will be; Married or cohabiting couples tend to have the worst breakups, while regular daters will have an easier time coping with the aftermath of the breakup. ^{[2] X Research Source} But the severity of your feelings doesn’t automatically mean you need to get back together with your ex.

Try to answer the following questions. Do you miss your ex, or do you miss the feeling of having a lover? Does that person make you feel better about yourself, more secure about the world, and happier? Can you picture yourself with this person for a long time, even when the excitement in love has died down and you are stuck with the daily routine of life? If you only remember feeling secure with someone by your side and the excitement of a dramatic relationship, you can find these elements in other people in a healthier, more stable relationship. .
It’s important for you to take time after a breakup and before trying to get your ex back to determine your feelings, and decide if you really should be with that person. Healed relationships often lack trust and are likely to become “sunshine and rain” with repeated breakups. If you’re not 100% sure you want to be with this person in the long run, you need to avoid causing yourself more pain by doing your best to get over your ex instead of pursuing them again. . ^{[3] X Research Sources}

Spend time alone

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Avoid contact for the first month after the breakup. They will call you if they want to chat. Otherwise, nothing you say or wear will change the situation. Sometimes, ignoring your ex makes them feel like you’re completely fine without them and you’re moving on, and it’s the exact opposite of what they want.

Avoiding contact is not a passive-aggressive method to make your partner miss you. It gives you the time to do what you need to prepare yourself for a new relationship (whether with an ex or a new one!). You should take time this month to get to know yourself and to improve on areas that you may have overlooked during your relationship with your ex. If you contributed to the breakup, now is the time to identify the weakness in your relationship and do your best to improve it.
The time apart will also help you determine between the normal pain of a breakup and the true passion of getting back together with your partner. Almost everyone will feel sad after a breakup, even if their ex was a jerk and completely unsuitable for them. Time alone will help you deal with these feelings. ^{[4] X Research Sources}

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Focus on yourself. Friend meeting. Immerse yourself in work and other extracurricular activities. You don’t have to look needy or like you’re waiting for the person to contact you.

Research has shown that people who are able to regain a healthy sense of self after a breakup recover more quickly from emotional pain. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

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Do not pursue the person during this time. This means not calling, texting, or asking around about them. More importantly: don’t ask your partner about the reason for the breakup or if they’re dating someone else. This action will make you look desperate. ^{[6] X Research Sources} .

While it’s important not to chase your ex for a month or so, it’s entirely possible to reciprocate if he or she pursues you. In other words, if they call you, don’t hang up or refuse to chat. You don’t have to try to play mind games or act like you’re not easygoing, this can cause them to become more and more distant from you, and it’s the complete opposite of your goal. your destination in the moment. ^{[7] X Research Sources}
If you happen to hear rumors that your ex is dating someone new, you should not jump to conclusions or allow jealousy to overwhelm you. You must not take any action to try to stop the new relationship. Allow the person time to determine if you are the right person; You don’t have to force someone to be with you when they really want to be with someone else.

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Determine if they are still interested. Before you try to win back your partner’s heart, you need to know if they still care. Knowing that your partner still cares about you is the most important first clue that tells you that things can still be worked out.

You don’t have to make an immediate determination, and you shouldn’t ask your friend to do the investigation for you. Don’t pursue your partner for at least a month after the breakup; Instead, look for subtle hints when you run into your crush at school, work, a social media post, or a voluntary comment from a friend you both know.
You should remember that a third of cohabiting couples and a quarter of married couples experience a breakup at some point, so if your partner is still interested, this is a good opportunity. Show that you can win that person back. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

Get your ex back

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Strengthen your self-esteem. If you struggle with feelings of inadequacy, you may have a lack of self-esteem. Maybe you’re looking for an ex to make yourself feel better, but the truth is you’re the only one who can. You shouldn’t build your happiness on other people. It makes them feel guilty, forced, and ultimately resentful of you.

Self-esteem is believing that you are valuable and worthy. When it comes to romantic relationships, it’s more important to feel complete and complete with yourself than looking for someone who can complement you or make your life worthwhile. ^{[9] X Research Source}
To improve your self-esteem, you should focus on your strengths in all areas: emotional, social, talents, skills, looks, and any other factors that are important to you. For example, maybe you possess an empathetic nature, the ability to make others feel understood, a talent for baking, and beautiful hair. Focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative will help you feel relevant and worthwhile, especially when you connect the best part of yourself to helping others. ^{[10] X Research Resources} If you feel useless, make yourself useful! Take advantage of your empathetic nature and baking skills and bake some delicious cookies for the elderly neighbors.

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Become the person he once loved. Try to think about the time you spent together. What does he like about you? Is it your quirky jokes, or your great sense of style. Whatever it is, you should try to light the fire the way it started before.

Your partner is attracted to you because they feel good around you and you satisfy their emotional needs. How have you changed (if any)? Correct bad habits and mistakes, if any. Be positive around them. Smile and laugh. Always remember to stay positive to feel better about yourself and make yourself attractive in the eyes of others.

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Improve appearance. Find some new clothes, change your hairstyle, go to the gym, or get a manicure. You should make yourself stand out and be as fresh as what the person remembers you.

While you shouldn’t change yourself to get the person back (because eventually, they’ll keep leaving you, because your true nature will come back at some point), it’s best if you should be the best possible version of yourself. The person is already attracted to you and you can regain that attraction.

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Spend time with others. You don’t have to sleep with them, but spending time with someone else will let your ex know that you’re open to finding a new relationship. If they are still interested, they may decide that it is time for them to take action and stop you from looking for someone else.

If you don’t want to date other people or confuse them, you should go to the movies with a group of friends or spend time with a friend of the opposite sex. Just being around other singles is enough to make them jealous. ^{[11] X Research Source}

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Have a casual outing with your ex. You can do something non-binding like going out for drinks with friends or playing minigpf with your partner and a few other friends. You should do something that both your friends and first daters can do. And whatever it is, at this point, maintain a sense of humor and skip the serious conversation.

Every relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation of friendship, so it’s important to make sure your friendship is intact before attempting to enter love territory. have a cold. ^{[12] X Research Source}
If your ex has entered the “friend zone” (for example, if he or she says “I no longer love you”), you need to be able to recreate the experience of love. by building intimacy with that person. In one study, researchers had two people stare into each other’s eyes and then answered personal questions (such as “What’s your biggest fear?” and “Your best memory of the past year?” What is childhood?”). They are capable of establishing intimate bonds between strangers, forming attraction and even feelings of love. Try to take the time to look your partner in the eye, and ask insightful questions to see if it helps you bring your relationship back to closeness. ^{[13] X Research Source}

Discussing the relationship

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Invite that person to talk to you. After you’ve spent time together as friends, it’s time to have an honest conversation about your time together and see if it can shape a romantic future. ^{[14] X Research Source}

While texting and computer chat are common methods of communicating in an established relationship, this kind of informal discussion should take place face-to-face. You should invite your ex to dinner or to your favorite coffee shop.

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Use the past to your advantage. If your crush really likes a certain outfit of yours, you should wear it again. Share the gentle memories you both had together. Meet at a familiar place where the two of you have been.

If your crush buys you any special jewelry, you can wear it when you need to meet him in person to talk. This will send a clear message that you still have feelings for them.

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Have your words ready. The first thing you say to your partner is especially important. If you say the wrong word, you will lose your chance to win the person back. You need to understand that even if you’re no longer together, there’s a chance your partner still harbors strong feelings for you.

There are many ways you can approach this conversation, but the safest bet is to say something like “I wanted to talk to you about our relationship and ask if you /how are you?” Express your regret that things didn’t go well between the two of you, and ask if you can talk now that you have some clear ideas about it.
Let the story progress naturally. If your partner is doing pretty well and says they’re seeing someone else, don’t waste your time trying to convince them to come back to you. But if the person still seems to have feelings for you, you can slowly talk about the possibility of giving things a second chance.

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Sorry . Think hard about everything you did and didn’t do that might have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, and freshen things up by apologizing appropriately to the person. Take full responsibility for the offense, without blaming the person, making excuses, or expecting an apology (or even forgiveness). The person may have contributed to the situation, but you can’t apologize on behalf of the other person; you can only apologize to yourself. Don’t involve them in the process and maybe your apology will be reciprocated.

Avoid using the word “but”. “I’m sorry, but…”, because it means “I’m not sorry”. Also, don’t say “I’m sorry for making you feel this way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended”. This will look like you are blaming the person, and not a real apology. ^{[15] X Research Source}
A sincere apology should have the following structure: regret, responsibility, and remedy. The first step shows that you are sorry for the action you have taken. The second step would be to accept responsibility for yourself without making excuses or blaming others. The final step is an offer to correct things or change behavior in the future. ^{[16] X Research Source} Example: “I just wanted to apologize for not being there when you wanted to spend time with me. You must have felt like you were abandoned. From now on, I’ll do my best. strength to do more activities with you so you don’t feel that way anymore. I’m glad you gave me the perspective that helped me realize this.”

Build healthy relationships

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Chat. Since communication problems are the main cause of a breakup, you both need to do your best together to keep communication open. When the two of you get back together, you need to take the time to set expectations, especially in areas that have been difficult before.

Establish a plan to deal with unmet expectations. For example, if you broke up with your ex because he or she was spending too much time with friends, you should talk openly about the right amount of time and how you would negotiate if you needed more time. Spend more time with your friends. ^{[17] X Research Source}

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It is important to remember the cause of the breakup. “Sunshine and rainy” relationships tend to be fickle and emotionally unstable. You should keep in mind the original cause of your breakup and deal with these issues to help prevent the same difficulty from recurring.

Gently ignore the area in which you have disagreed. Whatever the issue that caused the breakup, it may still be a sensitive aspect for both of you. If you are struggling with jealousy, family problems, control problems, or other specific aspects, you should be well aware that they will still be present when the newness of the relationship is renewed. setting passed.

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Treat your relationship like a new one. You should remember that their first relationship was not successful; it ends with a broken heart. You should see the second time as a new love story, building new rules to participate.

Be slow. Don’t assume you need to move on at the end of the previous relationship, for example, don’t sleep together and say, “I love you” until you’ve built trust. ^{[18] X Research Sources}
Get to know each other. Especially if it’s been a while since you’ve been together, your natures may have changed by this time. Don’t assume that you know everything about the person. Take the time to get to know each other again.

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Consider consulting. Especially if the two of you are married or in a very serious relationship and want to continue it, you need couple therapy to be able to uncover the root of the problem and make sure you can get over it. .

It should be remembered that salvaged relationships (those who have broken up and got back together) tend to have higher rates of dissatisfaction, lack of trust, and ultimately failure, so, you need to be prepared to put more effort into your new relationship. ^{[19] X Research Source}

Decide to move forward

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Watch for signs that your relationship won’t work out. While you may have strong feelings for this person, sometimes, the two of you simply don’t get along. If your relationship is quite toxic, you need to move on instead of trying to win the person back. Some signs that your relationship is in irreparable trouble include:

violence of any kind. If your ex has assaulted you, or forced you to have sex or do something you don’t feel comfortable with, this person is abusive and you should not try to get them back. ^{[20] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source}
disrespect on both sides. If you or your ex calls each other bad names, belittles each other’s accomplishments, or says things that disparage each other in front of family or friends, the relationship is not respectful. These are all characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship. ^{[21] X Research Source} Find someone who gives you the respect you deserve, and commit to treating that person with the same respect.
was unfaithful. While some relationships can overcome betrayal, broken trust is very difficult to restore and even if you can rebuild it, it can be easily destroyed again. . A relationship that has experienced betrayal needs more support in the form of counseling to repair damaged trust. ^{[22] X Research Source}

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Listen to your friends and family. Although, you will probably want to be on the defensive, the person who is close to you and knows you well often has insight into your relationship. If someone you know and trust has a bad feeling about the relationship, you need to take this as a sign that problems may be on the way.

If you know a friend or loved one who doesn’t like your ex, you should ask them to sit down and discuss why. Find out if it’s based on the person’s treatment of you or others, consult information your friend knows but you don’t, or other evidence that might make sense.

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Accept the breakup and move on . If the steps above haven’t worked for you, and/or you’ve assessed the situation and decided that it’s not healthy or smart to continue trying to get your ex back, you should take some time for yourself. emotionally to recover from a broken heart.

According to research, you need to focus on the best parts of your relationships, especially how they help you grow, and allow yourself to let go of the negative experience. One strategy to help you do this is to spend 15 to 30 minutes a day for three consecutive days writing about the positive aspects of the breakup. ^{[23] X Trusted Source American Psychpogical Association Go to Source}
After three days, you should try to forget about the relationship. Allow yourself time to be alone, spend time with family and friends, and do what you love. When you are in a healthy state, you can start looking for love again.

Advice

It’s definitely hard to get your ex back to you. You should keep in mind that it may not work and won’t go the way you want to maintain your control and dignity.
Be yourself! Don’t be someone else just to entice that person again; in the first place, your ex loves you for who you are, don’t change yourself just for someone else.
Some relationships should not continue. Don’t try to maintain it if the person is clearly not interested.
Remember that it will take time, don’t lose faith.
Getting back together is a risk. You may have come into the process of growing and feeling independent when you are apart, but the person you love can bring you back to the way you were if you agree to come back.
Bring up an old memory or joke that you both know to make the other person feel like it used to be.
Let the person know that you are completely fine without them. It’ll help make it clear that you’re not the obsessive lover, but also let them know you’re having fun without them, and in turn, make them miss you even more.

Warning

Stay away from any behavior that could be viewed as harassing, stalking, illegal or immoral. In many parts of the world, a restraining order can be issued to you, or even to prison if your behavior crosses the line of emotional pursuit and becomes stalking.

Steps