Ways of Redemption

It’s not always easy to atone for when you’ve hurt someone. Mustering up the courage to apologize is hard, but it’s worth it if it helps rebuild your relationship. You took the right first step to choose how to handle the situation, not ignore it. Now you just need to find the right way to apologize and correct the mistake. Check out step 1 and the next steps to learn how to mend your broken relationship now.

Table of Contents

Understand What Happened

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Look at what happened objectively. Is this situation black and white, meaning you are wrong and the other person is right? Or is the problem you’re dealing with more complicated than that? Redemption can be tricky if you don’t know exactly who is at fault. Think hard about what happened and determine what you have to apologize for.

If you’re clear on your part and know what to apologize for, your redemption should be fairly simple (though not necessarily less difficult). For example, if you borrowed someone’s car without asking and then dented it, you probably already understood how to compensate.
However, there are cases where this is not so obvious. For example, you and your friend haven’t talked to each other for a long time, and both of you talk heavily, causing the relationship to come to a standstill. This will make it difficult for you to determine where the friction started and who is responsible.

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Face your mixed emotions. When you do something wrong to someone, you may not fully regret it. People often hide their shame by reacting aggressively or defensively and finding ways to justify their behavior. Confessing that you’ve hurt someone else can be really difficult, but when it comes to atonement, you have to focus on healing the situation instead of letting other emotions cloud the situation. Ask yourself the following questions to understand how you feel:

Are you trying to hide your regret because you’re worried you’ll look like a badass if you admit you’ve done something wrong? Don’t worry – apologizing for doing something wrong will actually make you “better” in the eyes of others, not the other way around.
Do you realize your mistakes but still believe you need to “fight” to keep your reputation? If so, everything you’re doing is just creating a new “reputation” – an angry and defiant person.
Worried that this will be a battle between your self-esteem and respect for others?

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Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How do they view what happened between them and you? Do you think they feel resentful, angry, and resentful like you? Are they heartbroken, troubled, confused, and frustrated? Step out of your pain and thinking about what happened to look at the other person’s perspective.

Change your perception. If you’re still feeling angry, unfair, unforgiving, or simply fed up, understand that your relationship with the other person is more important than being right all the time.

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Write down the reasons why you want to atone. Thereby you can turn the emotions in your head into reasons written on paper. It will help you analyze your worries, facts, and interpretation of the situation, and then you can figure out how to make up for your mistake.

Admit that you made a mistake. Don’t be arrogant and stubborn, be honest.
Even if you think both of you are at fault, you should be generous.
Consider the reasons you wrote down. Is there anything worth noting? Do you see any patterns of behavior that stand out? For example, you may see a pattern of selfish behavior that you have repeatedly treated with the other person or with others. What happened is not as important as your negative motivation, so focus on that aspect, because you want to let the other person know that you understand the problem.

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Only make up when you have no more worries in your heart. If you’re still feeling resentful and defensive, you might as well stop doing this. Trying to make amends while there’s still resentment in your heart won’t help. Your apology will not be considered sincere because it is not sincere at all. Facing your own anger is a realistic and positive way to move forward because it helps you understand what drives you to do it.

If necessary, allow time to cool down and allow time to heal. However, don’t wait too long, because the longer you let your anger and the other person’s suspicions grow, the more difficult it will be to reconcile.
Acknowledge that you’ve been behaving badly and now it’s time to deal with its consequences. To admit is not to ignore – but to recognize the essence of things.
Understand that it’s okay to feel angry at first about what happened, but don’t use your anger as an excuse. Move beyond resentment – remember this is about your fault, not your reputation being tarnished.

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Determine what to do to make up for the damage you’ve caused. Go beyond wanting to hide your shame and really think about how to make up for what you’ve done. Everyone has a different compensation. Only you yourself know the right way to do it.

Redemption can be as simple as having the courage to apologize for one’s behavior.
Sometimes atonement requires more than an apology. You can apologize with actions. For example, if you damage someone else’s property, paying for it will make the repair much easier.

Make a Plan to Fix Mistakes

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Determine what to say. Practice before you speak, because it will help your natural reflexes come into play if you are overwhelmed by emotions. Review your list of reasons, think through the options you could have made differently, and find solutions. Then you prepare a few ideas in mind, or maybe even write down what you will say when you see the other person again. Please keep the following in mind:

Be prepared to take responsibility for what you’ve done. It’s a good idea to talk up front about what you did wrong and admit that you were wrong. This creates an atmosphere of contrition throughout the conversation. You can start out simply like, “I’m sorry to have upset you. I was wrong thinking/saying/doing etc…”. Acknowledging their vulnerability is one way to reduce stress.
Understand that if this isn’t the first time you’ve hurt someone, and the other person has heard you apologize before, simply saying “sorry” won’t work. Saying sorry is too easy if not accompanied by real change. Think of ways to show sincerity, show them that you really regret it, and promise never to act like that, and not to make the same mistake again. ^{[1] X Research Resources Stephanie Dowrick, <i>Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials</i>, p. 293, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X}

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Meet up to talk to that person. Although it is possible to apologize via email or phone, it is much better to speak in person. It shows your desire to reconnect with the person and be ready for serious and frank contact.

If you want to reconcile with a family member you haven’t seen in a while, consider meeting them at an intermediary rather than at the residence of both parties. This will avoid tensions that may arise because one person is in the other’s “territory”.
If you cannot meet face-to-face, consider writing a letter instead of typing or emailing. Putting pen to paper and writing down your feelings is much more personal.

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Start apologizing. Tell the other person that you want to make up for your mistakes, and talk to them based on what you’ve practiced before and how you feel. Please remember the following:

Try to make sure that when the mediation is over, the relationship between the two of you will be better than it was before you made the mistake. If you come into this conversation thinking that you really want to reconnect with the other person, and that you want things not only to go back to the way they were, but for the better, then you have Have a great first step.
Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, attitude, and gestures. If you are truly sorry, all of the above elements should represent your sincere apology. Eye contact is an important sign that you take what you’re saying and don’t shy away from the fact that you’ve done something wrong.
Avoid making judgments about the other person; just say things like “I see is”, “I think is”, “I think”, “I think is”, etc… This conversation is not aimed at the fault of the other person.
Don’t let the thought of the argument get in the way. This will put you back in the mood for arguing.

What’s Next

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Don’t repeat mistakes. You will certainly erode the trust of others if you hurt them twice with the same pattern. If you want to maintain the friendship, remember not to intentionally hurt the person again. Do your best to be an honest and considerate friend. No one can be perfect, but you can still strive to be trustworthy.

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Determined to step forward. Regardless of the outcome of the reconciliation, it is important that you do not wallow in self-pity or seek to blame the other person. Even if you can’t heal, at least you did your best.

Focus on what’s in front of you and don’t bring up the past.
Even if you can’t make up with the other person because they think the relationship is completely broken, you should resolve to never hurt another person like that again. ^{[2] X Research Resources Stephanie Dowrick, <i>Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials</i>, p. 294, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X}

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Learn from what happened. Use your experience of mistakes to sympathize with others if they make the same mistake as you. Not only will you be able to understand them better right now, but you will also be able to help them strive for positive results without condemning them. ^{[3] X Research Resources Stephanie Dowrick, <i>Choosing Happiness: Life and Soul Essentials</i>, p. 294, (2005), ISBN 1-74114-521-X}

Forgiving yourself (this is the crux of atonement) will help you live in the present rather than dwell on the past, so even if things don’t go your way, be grateful for this gift. Self-forgiveness will heal you.

Advice

Arguing is a part of life in almost every relationship. When handled well, misunderstandings and quarrels will actually bring the two sides closer together, making them more understanding and forgiving of each other’s shortcomings. If you notice a disagreement between the two of you, you will be more willing to see it as a lesson about yourself and an opportunity to develop the relationship instead of avoiding contact at all costs.
Be at peace with your mistakes before you reconcile – this will help the other person to let go of those mistakes too.
Atonement can also include the intention to atone for another person, usually a family member or friend for whom you feel responsible but who does not appear to want to apologize for their behavior. However, if you seek to make up for someone else’s mistakes, be careful not to take on all their shame and guilt, or it will poison your life and make you feel bad. about the incident.

Warning

Believing that you are always right means that you are making yourself miserable. Remember that everyone has their own opinion, and some of it doesn’t match yours. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong, it’s just different. Using your views, judgments, and ways of thinking to attack others is not only harmful, but it also makes you fail to realize that your opinion is just one of a billion others, and you encounter conflicts for the rest of your life if you don’t keep an open mind. Avoid this by acknowledging both opinions – yours and the other person’s too – simply saying “Your opinion/judgment/opinion is not the same as mine”. There is no right or wrong here, just accept more or less.

Things you need

Paper and pen (optional)

Steps