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This article was co-written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a licensed professional counselor and founder and chief executive officer of The Counseling Hub, LLC – group counseling service in Cpumbia, Missouri. She is also the founder and business consultant of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC – a consulting service for therapy owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method in relationship therapy for couples on the verge of divorce because of conflict or disconnection. Vossenkemper holds a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Missouri, Saint Louis, a master’s degree in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in psychology with a major in Educational Supervision and Counseling from the university. Missouri, Saint Louis. She also completed Level 3 training of the Gottman Method in couples therapy and received training in pre-marital couple counseling and PREP methods in couples counseling.
This article has been viewed 174,227 times.
The feeling of insecurity over suspecting that your wife is cheating is terrible, so you probably want to find out the truth quickly. Sometimes it can be difficult to spot the signs of infidelity, especially when your heart is rippling with jealousy. If you’re worried about your relationship, examine your wife’s behavior and appearance for suspicious clues. Pay attention to her social life, home behaviors, and changes in her appearance.
Steps
Be aware of changes in your wife’s social life
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Notice if your wife often goes out without a friend these days. Granted, a couple should have their own space from time to time, but if your wife seems to prefer going out alone, there’s good reason to be concerned. It’s even more worrying if she chooses to participate in activities with other people instead of a romantic evening with the couple. Be aware if your wife starts out going out a few times each week alone or with friends. Maybe she’s going to meet someone. [1] X Research Source
- It is normal and healthy for a couple to occasionally separate from their partner to enjoy some alone time. Don’t assume that the fact that your wife wants to have a night out with the girls or hang out with coworkers after work is a sign that she’s cheating.
- If your wife often uses social media, check her profile on the nights she hangs out. If your wife posts pictures of you hanging out with girlfriends or co-workers, she’s probably telling the truth.
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Note if you cannot contact your wife for a long time. If your wife suddenly doesn’t pick up the phone or doesn’t respond to texts, something’s wrong. Pay attention if you don’t get a response from your wife several times a week, and note what times of the day this happens. When your wife explains, ask a few questions whether her story is consistent and if her reasons are valid. [2] X Research Source
- Let’s say your wife normally responds to messages while at the office, but recently all your messages sent to her have not been answered. Talk to your wife to see what’s going on. It is possible that she is working on a big project and is very busy, but it is also possible that she is spending time with a third person or making it a priority to respond to their messages.
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Watch for changes in her story or details that don’t make sense. Make it a habit to chat with your wife to share what happened in her day. Listen to what she has to say and look for inconsistencies or ridiculous details. If in doubt, ask your wife about the details and see if she tells you otherwise. [3] X Research Sources
- For example, your wife says she ate lunch with a female colleague but then complains that the coworker is off work for the whole week. This can be considered as a warning signal. Similarly, if your wife comes home late and explains that she had to stop by the laundromat but didn’t bring her clothes, she’s probably lying.
- Moreover, talking to your wife and asking about her daily stories also helps to strengthen the relationship between husband and wife.
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Listen attentively if your wife starts talking about a new friend. People love to tell stories about new relationships. If your wife is having a crush on someone else, she’s probably talking about that person often, even if she’s trying to keep it a secret. Be wary if your wife is constantly talking about someone she just met, male or female. This could be a sign that their relationship is not normal. [4] X Research Sources
- For example, your wife suddenly starts telling stories after stories about a new colleague named Duy. Chances are she has something to do with this Duy guy or is interested in him.
- Before jumping to conclusions, consider how your wife normally talks about her friends. Maybe she’s just excited to have a new friend.
Tip: Try to arrange a group outing with your wife and her friends to get to know them. You will probably find that their relationship seems completely pure. Conversely, if your wife doesn’t want to let you hang out with her friends or seems defensive, this is a sign that something is amiss.
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Pay attention to your wife’s work frequency and business trips. Although frequent business trips and long hours may be normal, your wife may use work as an excuse to hide her cheating with others. Take note of unreasonable changes in your wife’s work schedule and talk to her about it. Also, see if she’s been working overtime and her income hasn’t increased, or recently she’s taken on new responsibilities that aren’t in line with her position. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, your wife usually works 40 hours a week, Monday through Friday, but suddenly has to work overtime or work on weekends. Ask your wife about the projects she’s working on at the company if overtime is reasonable, and check her bank account to see if she gets paid overtime.
- Remember that your wife may just be striving for a career. If your wife just got a promotion or is hoping to get a promotion, she’s probably working overtime. Don’t assume your wife is lying.
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Notice how much money she spends when she’s out and about. If you are married, your wife may spend more or less money than usual. Perhaps she spends extra money on special clothes or underwear, hotel room or meals. It’s also possible that she’s spending less money than usual if the other guy is paying for their dates. Check your bank statements and credit card bills for any unusual spending. [6] X Research Sources
- For example, you might see restocking purchases, paying for a hotel room, or withdrawing large amounts of cash.
- Similarly, if your wife goes out with a group of girlfriends every Friday night but doesn’t spend any money, she’s probably dating someone else.
Notice your wife’s changes at home
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Note if your wife starts complaining about you or your relationship. She may begin to point out your shortcomings or express concerns about your relationship. Maybe your wife is really unhappy, or maybe she’s trying to find excuses to justify her extramarital affair. Whatever it is, it’s important that you take note and talk to her about it. Ask your wife what is bothering her and discuss with her how to improve the relationship. [7] X Research Sources
- For example, your wife might nag, “I get sick every time I come home to this messy house,” “I never listen to you,” or “We don’t have any fun anymore,” you might say. respond by asking questions like “Shall we discuss how we should clean the house?”, “What do I need to do to let you know I’m listening?”, “So this Saturday night Shall we go out and play?” That way, you can relieve her anxiety and help improve your relationship.
Warning: If you’ve tried everything and your wife still isn’t happy, it’s possible she’s trying to figure out how to justify her affair.
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Notice her change in sex. Your wife may want more, less, or a change of style. Notice if she starts to suggest more sex but doesn’t seem very warm, or suddenly turns cold and rebuffs when you want to be close. Also, you should also notice if she is naturally interested in role-playing or “adult” games. [8] X Research Sources
- Maybe your wife “indulges” you more because she feels guilty, or it may be because an emotional affair makes her crave more sensuality.
- Your wife may be less likely to want to be with you if the other third person has satisfied her needs.
- Your wife may want to change the pattern of sex if she wants to imagine being with someone new.
Warning: Remember that there are innocent interpretations of these changes. For example, your wife may want more because she’s rested or feels more confident, or she’s less interested because she’s too busy or has low self-esteem. Similarly, she may be trying to refresh your sex life with sex, so don’t be too quick to judge.
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Notice if you and your partner share less of your feelings. Your wife may no longer confide in you about her ups and downs, and that’s a signal that something is wrong. If your wife doesn’t talk to you about her daily activities, troubles, feelings, or things that excite her, then she probably has someone else to share. Talk to her to find out what’s going on. [9] X Research Source
- For example, if your wife seems to be closing in on you, go up to her and say, “Honey, I’ve noticed that you’ve been quiet lately. I want you to tell me what’s going on.”
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Notice if your wife suddenly wants more privacy. If you have a sneaky relationship, your wife will have to keep it a secret. She won’t let you access her phone, bag, computer, and bills. If it’s natural for your wife to hide things or be defensive when you ask questions, she may be hiding an affair. [10] X Research Source
- For example, you may have noticed that all of your wife’s electronic devices have changed passwords. Alternatively, your wife may start hiding her credit card or phone bill, and she may even have a new secret credit card.
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Notice if your wife starts to hug the phone more than not. Maybe she’s calling or texting the other person. Notice how often she texts someone, especially if she doesn’t tell you who that person is. Also, notice if she often avoids going away when answering the phone. [11] X Research Source
- Observe your wife’s reaction to an incoming call or new text. For example, she might be giggling or getting super excited while texting her lover.
- If you and your spouse share a phone plan, review your bill for anything unusual. Maybe you find her calling or texting someone every day.
Observe your wife’s appearance
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Note if your wife starts exercising more. Maybe your wife just wants to improve her health for personal reasons, but it is also possible that she exercises for the other person. Observe the huge change in her appearance as well as the long time she spent in the gym. These signs could be clues that she is sneaking around with someone. [12] X Research Source
- Don’t be so quick to assume that your wife is cheating on her because she’s eager to exercise. Maybe she just wants to get in shape and be more satisfied with herself, or maybe she just wants to impress you.
Tip: Ask her if she wants to practice with you. If your wife’s sole purpose is to improve her health, she’ll probably enjoy the support.
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Know if your wife “upgrades” her wardrobe. While it’s possible that your wife just wants to look better, it’s also possible that she bought new clothes to impress the other person. It’s especially suspicious if your wife buys sexy outfits you’ve never seen before. Notice if she brings new clothes home or you spot clothing purchases on your bank statement. If in doubt, talk to your wife about it. [13] X Research Source
- Say, “I see you buying a lot of new clothes these days. What’s so special about it?” and listen to what she has to say.
- Remember that your wife may just want to shop for new clothes because she’s following the trend, or she’s recently gained or lost significant weight. Don’t be so quick to think that she is having an affair.
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See if your wife has a new hairstyle or a more elaborate make-up. Your wife can use these ways to beautify, sometimes also to attract the other person. However, it is also possible that she changes her makeup and hairstyle simply to look more beautiful. Be aware if she’s getting ready to go out without you. [14] X Research Source
- You should think about your wife’s circumstances. If for many years your wife has dressed modestly because she is busy with children, then now that she has more free time, she can spend more time taking care of her beauty, because this makes her happier. .
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Notice if she smells like a man’s perfume. The smell of men’s perfume on your wife may be because she is with her lover. If you notice that your wife has a strange smell, ask her. If your wife doesn’t come up with a satisfactory explanation, she may be cheating on you. [15] X Research Source
- Don’t be in a hurry to assume that your wife did something wrong to you just because she smelled strange once. For example, maybe your wife is sitting next to a co-worker wearing a strong perfume.
Advice
- Don’t forget that your wife may start to change her behavior just for the sake of self-improvement, not because she’s having an affair. Do not rush to blame her, because this can create a wall between you and your husband.
- If you suspect your wife is having an affair, it’s best to talk to her.
Warning
- Do not accuse your wife of adultery without verifying the questionable points. If your wife doesn’t cheat on you and you accuse her, it may end up leading to problems that have never happened before.
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This article was co-written by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a licensed professional counselor and founder and chief executive officer of The Counseling Hub, LLC – group counseling service in Cpumbia, Missouri. She is also the founder and business consultant of Tara Vossenkemper Consulting, LLC – a consulting service for therapy owners. With over nine years of experience, she specializes in using the Gottman Method in relationship therapy for couples on the verge of divorce because of conflict or disconnection. Vossenkemper holds a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Missouri, Saint Louis, a master’s degree in Counseling from Missouri Baptist University, and a PhD in psychology with a major in Educational Supervision and Counseling from the university. Missouri, Saint Louis. She also completed Level 3 training of the Gottman Method in couples therapy and received training in pre-marital couple counseling and PREP methods in couples counseling.
This article has been viewed 174,227 times.
The feeling of insecurity over suspecting that your wife is cheating is terrible, so you probably want to find out the truth quickly. Sometimes it can be difficult to spot the signs of infidelity, especially when your heart is rippling with jealousy. If you’re worried about your relationship, examine your wife’s behavior and appearance for suspicious clues. Pay attention to her social life, home behaviors, and changes in her appearance.
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