How to Stop being jealous of your lover’s ex

Jealousy is completely normal for couples in love, but it can still be a painful experience – especially when you’re jealous of your lover’s ex. When you see pictures and updates about the other person’s life, you can forget how talented and amazing you are, too. Remember that it is not by chance that you are chosen! Luckily, we can help you dispel your jealous feelings and enjoy love! Read this list of ways to stop being jealous of your ex’s ex.

Table of Contents

Stop comparing yourself to the other person.

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Comparisons always make you feel bad about yourself. You only see the highlights in the other person, not the big picture of them. The past is the past, don’t wonder why your lover used to love them. Focus on yourself and your current relationship, and you won’t be so jealous anymore. ^{[1] X Research Source}

People often look at their lover’s ex and notice all of the other’s best qualities without seeing their flaws. Besides, people are also easy to criticize themselves. That’s a way of looking at which can easily lead to disaster! You need to get out of this vicious cycle.

Unfollow or block the other person’s social media profiles.

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This step will prevent you from seeing things that might make you jealous. The ex’s social media isn’t worth your time, so stop following their posts. ^{[2] X Research Sources} When you feel the urge to see what’s new, go to your account. Remind yourself of the wonderful things you have and look at the new photos you took with your lover.

If your lover’s account still has old photos, don’t scroll down too far. Let it all be in the past.
You can ask a friend for support if you find it hard to resist the temptation to visit the other person’s site. That way, you can text your friend at times like this so they can talk to you about it.
If you can’t stop following the other person’s profile, stop using social media so you don’t get tempted. Plan fun activities with friends or find a pastime to take a break from social media.

List your strengths to improve confidence.

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Now is the time to remember how amazing you are. ^{[3] X Sources of Research} List every aspect that you love about yourself and your accomplishments. Stand in front of a mirror and point out your most attractive features, or look at your favorite photographs. ^{[4] X Trusted Source National Health Service (UK) Go to Source} Remember you’re cool!

Ask your friends or loved ones what they like about you. Jot down those points so you remember how adorable you are.
Let your lover tell you why they love you. You can ask “What do you like about me?” or “Why do you love me?”

Take time to calm down before taking action.

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This step could save your relationship! Jealousy can cause people to make bad decisions, so slow down to let the emotions subside and regain your composure. Try to refrain from confronting your partner or engaging in sneaky behaviors like stalking your partner online or checking your partner’s phone. Wait until you feel calm before talking. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

You can also distract yourself by spending time doing activities you enjoy or talking to someone.
Feeling jealous will make you miserable, and you don’t deserve it. Fortunately, this feeling will pass.

Talk to someone you trust to release your feelings.

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Let go of feelings of jealousy and seek support from a friend. Choose someone you know who will listen without judgment and will make you stronger. Say you need their support and tell them how you feel, then listen to their comments. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

You might say, “I can’t stop thinking about Mr. Son’s ex-girlfriend. She is so attractive and talented. I’m afraid I can’t be like her.”
Or “Last night I saw in Suong’s phone a picture of her ex-lover. Now I worry that Suong regrets breaking up with him.”

Identify the cause of your jealousy.

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It’s easier to deal with feelings of jealousy when you know the source. Start by reflecting on the past to see if you have ever been cheated on or ignored by someone in the past that made you feel insecure. Then, look at your current relationship to find out what causes you to feel anxious. ^{[7] X Research Sources} Here are some of the reasons why you might be jealous:

You are afraid of your lover getting back with his ex.
You have been cheated on by your ex, so you worry that your current lover will be the same.
You don’t have confidence in yourself, so you worry your partner won’t see you as valuable.
Your lover cheated on your ex because of you, so you worry that they might do the same to you.

Talk to your partner about how you feel.

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This can give you peace of mind if you are feeling insecure. Let’s say you’re worried about their old relationship. Use a sentence with the subject in the first person so your partner doesn’t feel defensive, then listen to what they have to say. Trust your partner when they tell you that they really want a serious relationship with you. ^{[8] X Research Sources}

You could say, “I’m glad to see you and happy to be with you, but lately I’ve been worrying about your ex. I know you don’t see that person anymore, but I wanted to talk to you about why you broke up with her.”
If your partner does something that makes you suspicious, be specific about it. You could say, “I feel like you talk to your ex a lot these days. He is worried about his relationship. Is there something I need to talk to him about?”
If your partner is acting in a way that confuses you, speak up. You can say something like, “I see you talking to your ex every day. I thought you two were over. So should I be worried?” Sometimes it’s best to review your current relationship if the other person isn’t fully committed to you.

Find out why your lover’s old relationship ended.

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You will feel more secure knowing why they broke up. They are no longer together, there must be a reason! Ask your lover what happened between them and listen to them. Believe that your lover is telling the truth. Whenever jealousy strikes, remind yourself that they have a reason to break up. ^{[9] X Research Source}

Say, “We never talked about why you broke up with your ex. What happened?” or “I know you and your ex agreed to break up, but for what?”
Ask about your partner’s past relationships only once, and try to keep questions to a minimum. You might ask, “Why did you break up with your ex?” Try to ask questions so that the other person doesn’t feel like you’re being interrogated to avoid damaging your relationship. ^{[10] X Research Source}

Spend more time with your lover to strengthen the bond.

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You will feel more secure when the relationship between you and your lover is closer. You deserve a committed and happy relationship. Create a common practice with your partner to see each other more often and enjoy date nights. Try new activities together to make good memories. Focus on your shared future and don’t dwell on the past. ^{[11] X Research Source}

For example, the two of you could go on a date every Friday night.
Remember to keep in touch with your lover outside of dating. Send each other memes, ask questions, and chat to create an intimate bond. You can ask questions like “If you could bring 5 things to a deserted island, what would it be?” “How do you imagine your dream vacation?” or “What holiday do you remember having the most fun?”

Be honest with yourself about how you feel.

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When you accept your feelings, you can think less about your lover’s past. Don’t blame yourself for being jealous of your lover’s ex because that’s completely normal, and allow yourself to feel that way. ^{[12] X Research Source} Say loving words to yourself while processing your emotions.

Speak positive monologues. You might say to yourself, “Even if I’m jealous right now, it’s okay. This feeling will gradually pass,” or “Everybody feels insecure at times. My feelings are completely normal.”

Talk to a therapist if you can’t stop being jealous.

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Psychotherapy can help you deal with the overwhelming jealousy that won’t let go. Sometimes you can’t get over your jealousy on your own, but that’s okay. If feelings of jealousy keep you from enjoying happiness, make an appointment with a psychotherapist for help. They can help you change your way of thinking. ^{[13] X Research Source}

You can find a psychotherapist online.
If you have health insurance, contact them for a list of therapists in your area.

Advice

If your partner does something that makes you jealous, like clicking like on an ex’s photo, tell them not to.
Build confidence so that you no longer have to be jealous. Focus on your great points!

Steps