How to comfort when your girlfriend is sad

When your girlfriend is upset, there are two ways to comfort her. She will need to feel emotionally supported by your words. Moreover, she will need to feel reassured by the gestures you give her. She will soon feel better if you combine these things properly.

Table of Contents

Comfort with words

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Ask her what happened. Whatever your point of view, keep it to yourself. Let her vent and speak out, just nod and say a few sentences when needed. If she doesn’t want to tell you, don’t force her. Some girls don’t like to talk about why they’re sad. If this is the case, just say you care for her and let her cry. ^{[1] X Research Source}

“How do you feel?”
“Hey, what’s been bothering you lately?”
“You seem sad. What’s wrong?”
“I’m here to listen if you want to talk to someone.”

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Be sympathetic to her, don’t be casual. It doesn’t matter if you disagree with her problem. Assure her that you are always there for her. Take her to a private place and tell her she can cry. Assure her that you are on her side.

“I know it must be really bad right now. I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t imagine how you feel. I know this can’t be easy.”
“I’m sorry you’re sad. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make things better.”

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Acknowledge the problem and briefly express your feelings. Just show that you see and understand their problem is the whole world. Keep it short and simple.

“I was very sad to hear that your mother is ill.”
“I know you really deserved that promotion. I’m sorry it didn’t come true.”
“She was such a wonderful friend, and I was also sad when she moved out.” ^{[2] X Research Source}

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Avoid giving advice. Most people are upset because there is no easy solution. So don’t try to suggest anything. She may think about it more than before, and your advice will only keep her thinking about how “hopeless” her problem is. Instead say:

“This must be very difficult for me.”
“I wish I had an answer or a solution. Just know that I’ll always be there for you no matter what.”
“What do you think will happen next?”
“How do you want me to deal with this?” ^{[3] X Research Sources}

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Understand and respect her feelings. This can be difficult, but as long as you let her lead the way, you can help her understand her feelings. Let her express her feelings instead of inferring events or outcomes based on your personal experiences. Highlighting her emotions will help her control them:

“I know you really want that job. I’d be very, very disappointed if it was in your case.”
“You have every right to be upset; so will I.”
“I know you’re angry and sad right now. I see, it sucks.” ^{[4] X Research Sources}

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Always be positive. This is very important. When encouraging, always remind her that things will get better. She’ll believe your advice, so make sure it’s not negative. Bring your positive energy into the conversation and she will slowly, but surely, start to improve. ^{[5] X Research Sources}

“Forget about it. You know, this sucks, but these feelings will pass.”
“Remember the times we had fun together. I remember when…”
“I know this sucks right now. But I’ll stay here with you until things get better.”

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Avoid taking her problems lightly or raising her voice. Remember, after all, you’re not there to magically make things right, you’re there to help her. Telling her “it’s okay” or “I’ve been through this” will help her feel that you’re not making her sadder. What not to say include:

“Anyway, I went overboard with the work. They weren’t even worth my time.” Obviously she was upset because she thought it was worth her time.
“You know how I feel.” Each person has a unique problem — you don’t know exactly how she feels, and she will feel it.
“You’re strong — you’ll be fine.” Sometimes someone needs some time to be weak. Don’t make her feel invulnerable unless she looks “weak.”
“I didn’t know this was this bad. I told you about a time I was….yet” This is not your old problem, so don’t try to change the subject. ^{[6] X Research Sources}

Physical comfort

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Be patient when she’s in the mood. This does not mean passive. Rather you should watch, wait, and know when to act. ^{[7] X Research Sources} It may take some time for your girlfriend to open up, depending on how upset she is. You can only tell when to act through communication. Ask her often if she’s ready to talk about it.

Only leave her alone if she tells you to. Even if she seems angry or upset, stay with her until she calms down.

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Use cuddling to comfort her. Light touches have amazing effects. It releases the love hormone. This hormone helps increase feelings of closeness, connection, trust, and intimacy. ^{[8] X Research Source} If you’re holding hands, rub your thumb around her knuckles or rub a circle on the back of her hand. You can also put your hand on her shoulder or waist for the same effect.

Holding hands is a great stress reliever. This simple act increases feelings of trust and safety as well as lowers cortisp (“stress hormone”) levels. ^{[9] X Research Source}

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Hug her. Give her a hug, but shaking or patting her back is fine if you need her to calm down a bit before you talk. Remember that you’re hugging her to comfort her, so make sure she feels safe and protected.

Hugs create a sense of security. We stick together to find peace of mind. ^{[10] X Research Source}

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Don’t overdo it. A light touch or hug is more than enough to comfort your girlfriend. If she wants to kiss you, she will.

Advice

Don’t get angry and leave. If she doesn’t want to talk, wait until she does.
Once she’s calmed down, drain her bathtub and run out to buy some chocolate or something. This will show that you care about what she’s going through.
If you can’t help her, ask her to talk to a friend. Offer to take her there and pick her up when she’s feeling better.
Say romantic flirtations and kiss her.

Warning

Be careful when using humor to boost your mood. She may appreciate your efforts, but any joke you make can be overwhelmingly disappointing.
Most girls will appreciate your efforts to comfort them, but some girls prefer to be alone when they are sad. If they act or talk like they want to be alone, step back and give her space. Don’t go too far, because then she might change her mind and want you around.

Steps

Comfort with words

Physical comfort

Advice

Warning

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