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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 210,811 times.
Overcoming grief after a breakup is never easy, and it’s even harder if you still have feelings for your ex. The first and most important step to getting up and going after a breakup is to limit contact with them. Find ways to keep yourself occupied with positive activities instead of focusing on your ex. Accepting reality and trying to close the relationship is also helpful. Remember that even though it’s tough right now, you’ll get better with time.
Steps
Keep your distance from your ex
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Stop calling, texting, or emailing. You need to keep your distance to get over your ex, so set a “no contact” rule. You’re not doing this to stress or make the other person miss you, but you’re giving yourself a chance to heal and start over without the ex. [1] X Research Source
- If you find it too difficult to cut off contact with your ex, ask your friends to help you stay away. You can also temporarily move your ex’s phone number and email address to the block list. You can unblock later when your heart is more stable.
- If you both have kids together or study/work in the same place, you probably can’t completely cut off contact with your ex. In this case, limit your contact to only talking about relevant issues at the time, such as discussing a project at work.
- If the person still wants to contact you, ask them to respect your wish to stop contacting for a while. If they continue to try to contact you, change your phone number and email address.
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Unfollow your ex on social media until your feelings have faded. You’ll have a hard time moving on when you’re still going online and looking at that person’s profile and seeing them be with new people. Stop following your ex so you can focus on yourself for a while. That way you’ll also avoid the temptation to contact them again. [2] X Research Source
- After this, you can still continue to follow the ex if you want.
- If mutual friends mention your ex a lot, unfollow those friends too. If your relationships overlap too much, perhaps you should consider ditching social media altogether.
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Avoid places the other person frequents. Unexpectedly bumping into your ex at a coffee shop or bar is a situation that is not only embarrassing, but also slows down your healing process. Try to find new places to hang out, not the places the other person used to go to or the places the two of you used to go together. [3] X Research Sources
- If you happen to run into an ex, you should just interact quickly. A brief greeting before leaving is enough.
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Return, store, or dispose of mementos. Limit thinking about past relationships or “happy moments” by eliminating gifts, personal items, and other junk that remind you of your ex. Return everything you think they want back, keep the mementos you want to keep in the box, give it away, or throw away the rest. [4] X Research Sources
- Getting rid of memorabilia not only helps you keep your distance from your ex, but it is also a symbolic act to give you a fresh start with new memories.
Move to a new place if possible. If there’s no way to stay away from your ex and not hurt to see them all the time, consider moving away. Even if you can’t go to a completely new place, you can find somewhere farther in the city.
- If you have to face your ex all the time at work, consider finding a new job or asking to be moved to another location.
Keep yourself busy
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Take care of the things that you have long forgotten. A nice haircut, a fun class, a hobby to entertain, or a motivated goal can all help rekindle the joy and passion in life. Wake up the things that have fallen asleep while you are in love and nurturing them. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, if your ex thinks your dream of going around the world is crazy, now plan the trip you’ve been putting off in the past. If your outfit used to be all chosen by your ex, then now is the time to buy a new wardrobe.
Change the habit. Trying new things will help you not only get over your ex, but also make new friends and discover new things about yourself. Find activities that make you happy, exciting, and fulfilling, or that give you all of those feelings. For example, you can try:
- Join an organization in the community
- Volunteer with a cause you find meaningful
- Join a sports team for fun
- Learn a new language
- Join a book or game club
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Have fun with friends and family. Use your support network next to you to get over your ex. Fill your social calendar with exciting activities, such as a fun night out with some close friends or a fun game session with the family. [6] X Research Source
- If you want to ease your mind, tell the people you love how you feel and what they can give you. For example, you could say, “I really need a hug right now.”
- While you can confide a little to vent feelings of grief, try not to constantly mention your ex or probe people to see how they are doing now. Ask your friends and loved ones to subtly redirect the conversation if they see you end up wallowing in your ex’s silhouette again.
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Practice taking care of yourself . Create a new routine, pay attention to take care and love yourself. Make it a habit to read or write, practice relaxation exercises to relieve stress, or hit the new gym. [7] X Research Sources
- Relationships often take up a lot of your time and energy. Use this time to focus on yourself without feeling guilty.
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Date someone new when you’re ready. You may be thinking to yourself, “I’ll never find anyone like him,” but how would you know if you never got up and walked out? Start by taking the pressure off of finding the “worthy” person, and focus on meeting new and interesting people. [8] X Research Sources
- Dating someone else is also a way to help you feel attractive and wanted, feelings that are hard to come by after a breakup.
- Dates can be exciting, but don’t use new people just to fill the void. You should only date again when the wound in your heart has recovered somewhat.
- Before dating someone new, you need to spend some time thinking about what you want in the relationship and what you need in the other person.
Accept that the love is over
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Avoid actions that paralyze emotions. It’s easy to indulge in alcohol and drugs, unhealthy foods, or mindless shopping to forget your grief and push away negative thoughts, but these “quick solutions” will not give lasting results. They will only make you more and more bogged down. [9] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to Source
- Instead of indulging in harmful habits to deal with your emotions, do more constructive things like exercise, eat healthy, and lean on friends.
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Give yourself time to suffer. Emotional suppression can prevent you from getting up and moving on. Try screaming, letting your tears flow to your satisfaction, or expressing yourself in any way when your emotions run high. Allow yourself to feel what’s going on, and try not to judge yourself. [10] X Trusted Source HelpGuide Go to source
- Set deadlines for mourning. This period can be two days, two weeks or two months; Allow yourself to be sad for a while. During that time, you may feel angry, confused, or relieved.
- When the time to grieve is over, try to get back into your life and the world around you, even if it’s just to visit a friend one afternoon.
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Stop thinking about your ex with shimmering fantasies. Make a list of the person’s weaknesses and why you should break up. This will help dispel the illusion that you have lost the most wonderful person in the world. It also helps you stay objective on the road ahead. [11] X Research Source
- Make a list of your ex’s “bad sides” so you don’t just focus on the good. For example, you might list problems in your relationship, such as the other person lying, being unfaithful, or not supporting you.
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Wish the best for your ex every time you think of them. You can’t completely forget someone you once loved deeply, so don’t expect that feeling to fade away like a dream. Instead of berating yourself for still holding on to your ex, turn those feelings into something positive. Wish your ex well every time their image crosses your mind. [12] X Research Source
- For example, if you’re trying to get over memories of your ex, say out loud, “I wish him/her a happy, healthy life.” Take a deep breath, exhale and continue your work.
- Don’t beat yourself up if you still have feelings for your ex a long time after the breakup. That’s okay, but that doesn’t mean you should hold onto a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
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Write a letter to your ex to close the relationship. Mention details about what led to the breakup, how you were feeling, and anything else you’d like to vent. Try to recognize your own role and be tolerant of the other person’s mistakes. [13] X Research Source
- When you’re done writing, you can send the letter to your ex if you want, but you can also burn or tear the letter up.
- When you accept what has happened, it will be easier for you to get up. Acceptance can also help you learn valuable lessons that you won’t repeat in the future.
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Please be patient. It takes time to forget someone you love, so don’t try too hard. Let’s take it step by step. As time goes by, you will calm down, you will be more optimistic, and you will be hopeful about the future again. [14] X Research Source
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This article was co-written by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS. Trudi Griffin is a licensed professional counselor in Wisconsin. She received her MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University in 2011.
There are 9 references cited in this article that you can view at the bottom of the page.
This article has been viewed 210,811 times.
Overcoming grief after a breakup is never easy, and it’s even harder if you still have feelings for your ex. The first and most important step to getting up and going after a breakup is to limit contact with them. Find ways to keep yourself occupied with positive activities instead of focusing on your ex. Accepting reality and trying to close the relationship is also helpful. Remember that even though it’s tough right now, you’ll get better with time.
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