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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
This article has been viewed 116,520 times.
We all have disagreements with our best friends and sometimes it seems like we will lose them forever. Fortunately, good friends often make up in the end because they genuinely care about each other. Things can be tough, but stay positive. Whether you have an argument, or your friend has a new best friend or moves somewhere else, you can still make up with them.
Steps
Talk to resolve conflicts
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Let them know how you feel. Maybe she misses you as much as you miss them, but one of you should be the one to share these feelings first. Let your friend know how much you miss them and emphasize that they are an important part of your life. [1] X Research Source
- You can say: “You are like my sister, without you by my side I feel like I am missing a family member”.
- If your friend has been spending a lot of time with a lover or new friend recently, let them know that you want them to be able to spend time with you too. Explain that you understand how important the new person is to them, and emphasize that you don’t mean to break their feelings. Say, “I’m glad you found someone who can make you happy. But I miss the times when we used to hang out together.”
- Even if you’re shy, be honest with your friend. You might say, “It’s been really hard for me lately because you’re my best friend. I’m used to talking to you every day, but it seems you’ve been quite busy lately so there’s no time for me.”
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Don’t assume. There are many reasons why a person might spend less time with you, so don’t assume that a few unanswered texts or a few missed dates means that he or she doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore. Maybe your friend is going through something stressful or time-consuming that leaves no time for socializing. [2] X Research Source
- Understand that your friend may have other concerns in her life that have nothing to do with you or any of their other friends.
- If your friend spends most of their time with someone else, think that in some ways, this person is a better fit for their life than you are. For example, your friend and your new friend are both divorced, culturally similar, or both have to take care of a sick family member.
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Sorry. If you’ve done something wrong, apologizing is the first step you should take to mend your friendship. Just saying “I’m sorry” is often never enough. You need to be more detailed and clear. Even if the conflict is not your fault, you may need to give in and be the first to apologize. [3] X Research Sources
- Let them know what you did and why it went wrong.
- Say, “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I know it hurts you a lot because if you forgot my birthday, I’d be just as sad.”
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Use the first person as “I/I” when speaking. Don’t tell both of them or attribute your feelings to someone else. Maybe you have a different view of what happened and don’t mean to hurt your friend, but that’s okay, the most important thing is that you can share your feelings and understand each other. [4] X Research Sources
- Avoid saying things like “You never listen to me!”. Instead, say, “I think you haven’t really listened to what I have to say, so I’m frustrated.”
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Take responsibility for your actions. When apologizing, don’t try to justify your actions. Don’t give reasons even if you feel that what you did or what happened was completely justified. There is no excuse for you to hurt your friend, just as they have no reason to hurt you. [5] X Research Sources
- For example, don’t say, “I’m sorry I forgot your birthday. I was so busy last week that I didn’t remember anything.” Even if the reason you give is real, it will make the apology less sincere when you think you have a good reason.
- Say, “I know I was wrong.”
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Don’t blame. No matter who caused the fight or what said, what you need to do is let it go. Think about how much you need that best friend in your life and remind yourself that being clear about who did what will only make the situation worse. [6] X Research Source
- Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because you’re blaming someone else. You’re telling them that there’s nothing wrong with your actions, it’s all their fault.
- If you feel yourself being unfairly blamed, you can say, “I heard you think this is all my fault, is that true?”. If the answer is correct then you can explain everything now.
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Make a plan to heal. The healing process will begin when you talk to your best friend to resolve the conflict, but this is still not enough for your friendship to return to the close friendship as it was at the beginning. In the next step, make some suggestions for things you can do together. Making up with a best friend takes a lot of effort, and your apology will carry more weight if it’s followed by a specific plan. [7] X Research Sources
- You can invite your friend to go see a famous movie. This way you can spend time together without necessarily talking, then you will have a common topic to discuss and this will take the pressure off you to find something to talk about. .
Give your friend some space
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Limit contact. If your friend says they need alone time, respect that. Maybe they need time to calm down, think things over, and heal themselves. Constantly calling, texting, emailing, and bothering you won’t help, on the contrary, will likely make the situation worse.
- Maintain communication on a social level. If you meet them at school or work, greet them with a smile, wave, or nod.
- Don’t confuse this with being cold to your friend. Be open and ready to help them if needed.
- Don’t try to find out about your friend from mutual friends, and don’t ask which side these mutual friends choose to take.
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Don’t stick. Let your friends make their own decisions about where and with whom they go. When you feel like you’re losing your best friend, it’s easy to be overly concerned with them, but this often backfires. If you act like your friends aren’t allowed to know other people in their lives, they’ll even try to push you and your control efforts even further.
- If your friend is busier than usual, find something you can do to keep yourself busy so you’re less likely to stick with them.
- If you are jealous of your friend’s new relationship, remember that you will eventually find a lover or new friends just like that.
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Join new activities. Instead of sitting around and thinking about that best friend, distract yourself by doing something fun you’ve always wanted to try. If you can’t think of what to do, you can check out what’s happening in your local area, or visit a few interesting stores, for example. [8] X Research Sources
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Meet new people. While you shouldn’t rush and try to replace your best friend, you should start making new friends. Don’t rush into friendship or dating, but be open to getting to know other people. [9] X Research Source
- Let’s join a club
- Hanging out with other friends
- Organize a party
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Know when to let go. Sometimes, when someone says they need their own space, it means they want it forever. While losing a close friend can be difficult, moving on with your life without them is what you need to do. Think of it as a learning experience to help you build better friendships in the future. Think about what caused this friendship to end and use that lesson to choose your friends later. [10] X Research Source
- Allow yourself to cry. The fact that you grieve over a lost friendship like something is dead forever is very important to get through this phase. It’s not unusual to shed tears, so just cry to make things easier. [11] X Research Source
- Even if your friend doesn’t end it explicitly, say goodbye to yourself by writing them a goodbye letter you never sent or by saying goodbye to them on your own. [12] X Research Source
Rebuilding friendship
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Ignore rumours. Rumors will only hurt the friendship. If someone speaks ill of your best friend, ask them to stop and refuse to listen if they say that friend is bad at you. While that’s true, it doesn’t make things better.
- Say, “I’m not interested in hearing that.”
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Forgive and forget. Let’s start from scratch. Once the conflict has been resolved, don’t continue to blame your friend, act cold, or repeat their mistake every time you argue. Let everything sink into the past and move forward.
- Let’s focus on the future.
- If you have the same problem again in the future, think about it, but don’t jump to conclusions.
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Join a friend to attend a group event. You will be quite embarrassed when you are just starting to rebuild your friendship. So going with a group of friends will help the two of you spend time together more comfortably. [13] X Research Source
- You can invite the whole group out to dinner.
- Find out about local or school events then pick one that interests you.
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Understand that it’s natural for new relationships to emerge. If your friend meets new people, don’t think that means your friendship is over. One of you will be the first to find a new lover or best friend. If that person is your friend, even though it’s hard to accept, you need to know that we all will. [14] X Research Source
- Don’t see yourself as the outcast. Your friend is not trying to replace you with someone new. They simply find someone else who is just right for them.
- Your relationship may change slightly, but it’s not over.
- Get to know newcomers. Keep an open mind and learn more about this person. If it’s your best friend’s new boyfriend or girlfriend, celebrate their happiness and show them you’re a trustworthy person.
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Spend time together in a different way. If due to a change in life, your best friend can no longer spend time with you, such as a loved one who is sick, has just had a baby or is more busy with work/study, find a way to do it. schedule a time that better fits their schedule. As your life changes, so does the time you spend together. Let your best friend know that you can still make time for each other. [15] X Research Source
- Come visit them at lunchtime.
- Join an activity that you know your best friend attends regularly, like taking a gym class together.
- If your best friend is in a new relationship, let them know that you sometimes want to go on a private date. Say, “Your new boyfriend is great, but can we just go to lunch together this weekend?”
Do the things you love together. To rebuild your friendship, spend time doing something you love, ideally something special to your friendship. This will remind you of the fun times together and make past problems fade away. For example, if you all like to sing, go to karaoke. [16] X Research Source
Advice
- Let your best friend know that you really love them.
- Calm down before you talk to your best friend again.
- Stay in touch and always make them remember that to you they are your best friend.
- Make sure your best friend knows that you’re still thinking about them even when you’re trying to give them space.
- If you’re the one causing the conflict, talk to your best friend, tell them the truth, and explain that you didn’t mean to hurt them.
- Try to see things from their point of view.
- If you’ve tried and they still don’t want to be your friend, let go. This is difficult, but it will be better for you.
- If you think a friend is mad at you, have a frank talk with them once. You may need to be apart for a while for things to return to normal.
- You can ask a trusted person for advice, such as a parent or sibling.
- If your best friend has a new best friend, don’t treat that new person badly. Let them know how you feel and find an activity you can all do together.
- If you don’t want to talk in person, you can call or text.
- If your friend is angry, talk to them at another time and let them know how you feel. If they are still angry, give them more time and talk to other friends.
- If you’ve done something rude or unkind to your friend, give them time and space to think about the friendship.
Warning
- Never be irritable or jealous when talking to your best friend.
- Don’t try to make your best friend jealous.
- Treating your new friend or your best friend’s new boyfriend/girlfriend badly will only make matters worse. You should think that your friend is also your friend.
- Don’t apologize to your best friend and then ignore them.
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This article was co-written by Klare Heston, LCSW. Klare Heston is a licensed independent clinical social worker in Ohio. She received her Master of Social Work degree from Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983.
This article has been viewed 116,520 times.
We all have disagreements with our best friends and sometimes it seems like we will lose them forever. Fortunately, good friends often make up in the end because they genuinely care about each other. Things can be tough, but stay positive. Whether you have an argument, or your friend has a new best friend or moves somewhere else, you can still make up with them.
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